Hello, friends! I finally rejoined my favorite Discord server after about a month’s absence and started getting caught up again. I went over to the Divination section where someone was doing oracle readings. I asked the reader why my guides leave when I get sad. The things that stick out the most from this conversation I had with the other people on the server were:

  • The guides aren’t going anywhere, I could be pushing them away
  • Communication with any being is a two-way street
  • It’s a process to learn to communicate with them because they’re always there when I need them, it’s just me coming and going. 

Then someone said something that blew my mind a little bit. They use their oracle cards to ask questions they would normally ask their guides. Before today, I hadn’t read my cards in about a month, nor had I spoken to my guides in almost that same amount of time. My guides seem to go away when I get sad. It seemed like they were some sort of fair-weather friends, but it’s really a problem on my end, I think. I don’t listen to their guidance when I’m sad because they’re often trying to encourage me. When I’m in that dark place, I don’t think I deserve encouragement. I start to think that their guidance is all lies. It turns out, though, that I’m the one lying to myself.

Lying To Myself

I told my husband last night that I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to be happy, and he was utterly appalled. I don’t quite remember his exact words, but he said something like, “don’t let anything convince you you don’t deserve to be happy. The world is dreary enough as it is without feeling you don’t deserve happiness.” I agree with him. I’ve spent a very long time thinking that I don’t deserve happiness, and that’s a lie. I’m my own worst enemy. This has caused my guides to back off a lot, or me to back away from them. As stated before, they seem like liars when I’m hating myself, and that’s unfair to everyone involved. 

As a human being, I deserve happiness when it comes. I’ve given myself enough crap for being happy. It does more harm than good. My happiness looks different than others’. I think it’s because I’m happy while people around me are upset/sad/angry at times and I feel like I should join them so as to not incur their wrath upon me. I believed that I didn’t deserve it because those around me were having a hard time and that I should feel guilty about being happy because I wasn’t doing as many hard things as them. I felt like I should be doing more hard things in my life. Because of that, I believed wholeheartedly that I didn’t deserve happiness. 

Deserving Happiness

I still think I should be doing more hard things, but tricking myself into believing that I don’t deserve happiness is completely harmful and disruptive to the process of learning to do these hard things! What is there to work for if I tell myself I don’t deserve to be happy? What’s the point if all I deserve is sorrow? Isn’t there more to life than despair? Don’t joy and sorrow go hand in hand? Missing out on one or the other is missing out on the full range of emotions and killing off a crucial part of the human existence. Happiness is something we all deserve. It’s part of life. 

With that knowledge, I got out my deck of handmade oracle cards and drew three of them – the Atrium, the Deity, and the Ideal. I don’t know if I have ever discussed the oracle deck here, so I’ll do so now. 

My Oracle Deck

My Oracle deck isn’t Tarot, though it works in a similar way. Each of the cards has a meaning. When combined with other cards, their meanings take on new depths. Some combinations are harder to discern than others, but they almost always make sense in the end. I came up with the symbols one night at 2 AM when I was strangely awake. 

The Atrium, the Deity, and the Ideal

The cards in this sequence are the Atrium, the Deity, and the Ideal. I did this reading to try and learn more about a guide who recently showed up to help me with cooking, so as I pulled the cards, I asked them about the nature of this guide. My answer was something like this:

The Atrium represents upward growth. It’s a card of light and hope. Pulling this card means the promise of progress, of a new path, especially when paired with the Ideal, another card of looking up, of hope, of light. The Ideal means that there are high hopes to be had. There’s also an air of new beginnings here, which really stuck out to me considering the discussion of happiness I’ve been having.  Finally, there’s the Deity, which represents long-sight, thinking long-term or eternally, and patience. 

The New Guide

Within the context of this question and the answer the cards gave, I would venture to say that this new kitchen guide is very wise and patient, able to see things I cannot. I think they’re there to help me be happy long-term, not just as I’m hurling insults at the dishes I’m cleaning or cooking something tasty. 

I think they’re also someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of while I’m doing kitchen-type things. I’ve needed somebody like that for a little bit. I think they’re very old, as well. They’ve been around the block a time or two at this point. I think they’re here to teach me how to be a happier person. 

The thing is, I’m sure they’ve been here for longer than I’ve given them credit for because I have felt intuitively guided towards certain ingredients. Somehow I know exactly how much of each ingredient to put in the dishes I make, too. 

I don’t think my guides have left. I think they’re very much alive and well, I’ve just been caught in a self destructive cycle where I haven’t been able to hear what they have to say. I’m coming out of it and learning more about my guides at the same time. 

Thank you for reading!

-E

Order In Discord now has its own Discord server! Join here: discord.gg/EjmZEb5